Joyful Attachment

The last few days I've been experiencing some rather strange feelings. These unsurprisingly arise from my oh-so-complicated romantic life. However, as the title of this post suggests, I've felt a sense of 'joyful attachment', and I don't really know what to make of it.

As a Buddhist, I recognize that attachment is a root cause of suffering. That by clinging to things, we ultimately stand to be hurt when they change or fade away. I don't know whether it's dust in my eyes, or what it is, but for the last few days I've mostly been saying 'so what' when I feel the effects of my attachment to this one particular person.

Sometimes a skillful way of dealing with attachment is to use some restraint, to put some distance between yourself and the object of your attraction. Once this is established, it is possible to see the attachment for what it really is, and that in and of itself tends to lead to more skillful actions and the loosening of the binding feelings of attachment.

At least, for me, that has worked for things in the past. Right now, I'm totally ignoring any sort of common sense or rationality. The only subtle difference between what I'm doing now and utter blindness is that I can see the risk of a train wreck up ahead. I know that if I'm not careful, pouring so much passion and energy into something will derail us.

It's like my mind is telling me that some space is needed, if nothing else, to catch up on the more mundane bits in life. But something else, some deep and powerful energy is telling me, the more attached I get, the more joyful this whole thing is. I'm actually liking the feeling of the danger of the whole thing, I'm excited at the risks that it brings, and that's a tenuous state to be in. I'm used to feeling like attachment eats away at me, steals energy and makes me feel all tied up. Instead, I feel energized, the more I dive into this.

It's times like these where my practice is most difficult of all. I actually long to simply accept the fact that I'm love-drunk and stupid, and I really want to ride out that wave. But there is something within me that demands a higher level of awareness and compassion. I know in my heart that some skillful renunciation combined with a sense of equanimity will be the only way to truly protect my heart and the hearts of those I care about.

It's easy to take a step back when things are going terribly, but so much harder to do so when you feel like things couldn't get any get better. But such strong feelings always need a little bit of quiet space to run their course, if you don't want to be steamrolled over by them.

I read this somewhere and I know it now more than ever, things have a way of sticking with you until they've taught you whatever lesson you're meant to learn from them. I have to be honest, life is a clandestine teacher sometimes.