The more I look at life, the more I realize that everything happens in cycles. We get all excited about some new way of looking at the world, and then the novelty value dies down. We're back where we used to be, or we're off on the next big quest to change our lives forever.
Sometimes, it's worse than that. We go on a diet only to start binge eating a week later. We spend three days chomping away at some big project we've been getting behind on only to let the whole thing collapse as soon as we hit another major roadblock.
Other times, our hopes let us down. We get in a fight with our lover, and then in another fight. Eventually, the fights lead to a really big blow out, and for a little while after that, all is calm. Wow! We've really made it now, we've figured out the source of our pain and suffering, and we've finally made it past it. We'll never fight again! Two days later and some bickering about who's turn it is to take out the trash ends in slamming doors and flowing tears. Who were we trying to fool?
Sometimes we can even see where things are headed before we make our decisions. This reminds me of watching the ending of a movie first, realizing it sucks, and then sitting through the whole thing from the beginning anyway. I have no idea why we do this. What I do know is that after careful observation of the last week or so, I know that if I sit down at my computer in the morning to check my email before doing other things, I'll stay there until the late afternoon. Every morning it's the same thing, "Oh, I'll just check my email quick, take a shower, have some breakfast, and then do a little meditation." Every morning
for a week, that has turned into sitting around, poking casually at Ruport and Prawn and some other projects while mostly wasting my time reading blogs and responding too excitedly to low priority emails. I haven't done my sitting practice in a week, and it's all because 'checking my email' takes about 6 hours, when you add in all the distractions and side tracks.
It seems like the more out of control we get, the easier it is to make it a habit. I think this is why we get fat, this is why we do drugs, or failing that, end up depressed and disdainful of society. When these feelings really set in deep, we are quick to say that we want to change. We want to change, but we're waiting for things to calm down on the job. Or we're going to turn things around, we just need a little more time to get our motivation up. Whatever the reason is, we can come up with infinite justifications for why tomorrow is the day that our lives will turn around for the better.
I say fuck that. I'm starting today. From all of this self-observation, I've found that when I eat too much, drink too much, fall behind on my work, get mad at my girlfriend, and generally act miserable, I feel miserable. When I sit around being lazy, dreading the things I need to get done, I have a near constant feeling of self-doubt and unhappiness.
When I get off my ass and do something I'm supposed to do, I feel incredible. When I go out and get some exercise, I feel like I've given my body a gift, just showing a tiny bit of appreciation for this bag of skin and bones that needs to hold up for as long as I'm in this world. When I can sit down and have a conversation with someone and have my mind and heart fully present for them, I feel the immense joy of connecting with them. When I'm not carrying the sort of stress and self-loathing that comes with being pre-occupied about all the things I'm supposed to be doing and haven't done, I'm much less likely to have negative feelings to project onto others.
The world is better when we yield to our sense of duty. So long as our responsibilities are really things that are vital or at least complimentary to our well being, fulfilling them brings immense joy. Every day, we're immersed in a hurricane full of temptations and tribulations. Amazingly, what I'm starting to realize is that as humans, our purpose isn't to keep running away to dryer climates, or hiding under our pathetic little umbrellas. It's our job to weather the storm. If we can do this, there is tremendous satisfaction to be had.
The problems we face are simultaneously hard and simple. But the truth of it all, is that we need to figure out how to live. We've all got our problems we've been itching to fix. I say, anyone who reads this, take up the challenge to start in on them and make a change. If you're not doing it for yourself, do it for your friends, your family, your co-workers or your partner. Realize that you're not too weak to face all the things that seem to be controlling you, and then prove it.
We can't expect to escape from our problems overnight, that'd be underestimating the forces we're up against substantially. What we can do is whenever we're given a choice between improving our life and making more problems, we can choose the former. When we choose the latter, we can learn from it and pick up where we left off. Let's look at mistakes as nothing more than bumps in the road, rather than letting them derail us.
For the next month, I'm going to try to carry a single thought in my mind, and that is to change my life for the better. I'll post a month from now and let folks know how it goes. If you're interested in taking up this challenge too, let me know. It'd be a great joy to know that there are others out there doing this with me.
It isn't a huge commitment. It's thousands of tiny ones, all trivially easy to do on their own. It might start with not having an extra donut, or not flipping off that asshole who cuts you off in traffic. It might arise from cleaning your apartment or calling your brother who you haven't been on good terms with for a while. Start with anything simple and positive, and place one foot in front of the other from one positive action to the next. If you get side-tracked, just pick back up with a simple task and move forward from there, don't beat up on yourself. Maybe we can't change the world this way, but we can at least bring a little more happiness to our day to day life, and that's a start.
